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Sunday, 16 July 2017

Friend Heartbreak, How To Deal With Losing A Friend

Hello hello, so apologies if this post is a little bit rambly, it’s 8pm on a Sunday evening and this post has been brewing since December actually. I didn't know whether it was appropriate to put live, is it a bit too personal? Yeh, probably so I've toned it down a bit as no-one wants dirty laundry aired (or, maybe you do). I'm writing it firstly to get a few things off my chest but mainly, to help you guys. I've done a lot of tweeting recently (emshelx - come say hey) about friendships and I know a lot of you feel the same so I'm hoping it helps you too. I know this topic is something so many people go through, it's a life long thing, from childhood right up until adulthood and that's why I think it might resonate with a lot of you. I don’t really know if ‘grieving’ is the right term, but I guess that’s how it feels when you lose a friend (or friends). Of course, no-one has actually died (thank the lord) but I guess not having them in your life anymore often means you feel as if you are grieving the loss of a friendship. Another way I wanted to describe it was a friend-break, rather than a heart break, or, friend heartbreak. Losing a friend can be heart breaking, but a different kind of heart break to losing a boyfriend/girlfriend. Anyway, I’m a paragraph in and the rambling has already begun, I guess this blog post is going to be a mishmash of my feelings over the last year, how I feel about losing friends, how to deal with it and why actually, looking forward is key.

First things first, friendships end for all types of reasons. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, sometimes things come to an end for natural reasons and sometimes, they end for reasons we just do not know. I didn’t really want to go into reasons that some friendships have ended in my life recently, but I kind of feel like I have to, it means I can use these situations as examples on this blog post. One that hit me hard was the loss of a friend, a friend I honestly thought would be my bridesmaid/best friend for life, we lived together and I had a dreadful time, full of disagreements all related to money. It got REALLY nasty, not on my half, but on the other parties half over money (which I did not owe), to the point where my whole Christmas (when I was going through the worst patch with my family) was ruined, said person didn't even ask me what was going on in my personal life (potentially the worst few months of my life), and of course didn't wish me happy birthday or any of the normal things a friend should do. I’ve felt sad about it for quite some time, sad that this person hasn’t yet apologised to me or owned up that the way they, hounded and bullied me was totally wrong (even getting my landlord to join in with the witch hunt again, when I didn't owe any money) but actually, I guess I had a lucky escape and thankfully, had to get the council involved to cover my back. I've spoken in great depth to a lot of people about this particular situation and everyone has said the same thing, if someone can do that, they're not a real friend and it's time to just get over it. I guess I just find it hard to come to terms with this particular one as never in my life did I think this person would stop being a part of my life. A second example, this is a while back now and one that didn’t take much ‘grieving’ as such (you’ve gotta be emotionally resilient in this world) is a friend who out of the blue told me ‘you don’t have any time for me anymore, you don’t ask about me’… to which my answer was ‘when on earth do you ask about me?!’ friendship is a two way thing and this person judged my life on social media and thought it looked 'perfect' so felt they didn't need to ask me how I was. Said person hadn’t been in my life for years and had no idea what I was going through in my personal life (which was a lot at the time) and decided to have a go at me. I feel petty bringing these examples into it and don’t even feel comfortable doing so, but I feel I need to in order to give this post a little bit of context. I could go on with more examples but these are a few recent ones. 

Busy - First and foremost, I think it's important to understand that people are busy. For example, with the person above, it's not that I didn't want to make the time for them, it's that I just physically didn't have the time to even see my family at that moment in time, I was just rammed out. I'm a firm believer in making time for people you love but sometimes, it just isn't possible. That doesn't make us bad people, it just means we are busy. Sometimes life gets in the way. Let that person know, be honest with them, tell them you love them but you're stacked out and they should understand. There's nothing worse than feeling pressurised to see someone when you just don't have the time. Luckily social media does mean we can stay in touch, FaceTime them until you do have the time to physically meet with them.

It's normal - It’s totally normal to feel hurt when you lose a friend, whether it’s your fault, their fault, or no-ones fault at all. It really does feel as if you’re grieving in some aspects. Don’t worry if you’re sad, it means you’re a good person for actually having feelings. I feel sorry for those without emotions. It's totally normal and acceptable to feel anxious and upset when a friendship comes to an end or there's some form of drama, particularly out of the blue.

It says more about them than you - In some situations, bitchy ones in particular, it says more about them than it does about you. With the house situation, it was one of those things where said people forgot all the things I’d done for them and when it came down to a measly £30 (which I didn’t even owe) turned into bullies, I couldn't actually believe the texts I was receiving and it got so bad I had to block the numbers. In this situation it really does say more about that person than you, it's not hard in life to just be a little understanding, ganging up on someone, even if they're in the wrong, is never ever okay. You don't know what people are going through. If you’ve read any of my blog posts about positivity you’ll know that I’m getting quite good at putting life into perspective. There are SO many more things that can go wrong in life and in this situation, I could have paid the money but as I didn't owe anything, I stood my ground out of principle. It's about knowing your worth and weeding out people who don't deserve you or your time and energy. If they sack you off, it might actually be a positive thing for you. 

It’s natural to grow apart - Never forget, it’s totally natural to grow apart. I have friends from high school and at that moment they were my life, I couldn’t ever imagine me without them and in a blink, they were gone. We didn’t even fall out, or have a dispute, we just naturally went down our separate paths. Some have babies, some are married (which is so exciting for them) and I watch from the sideline, genuinely happy for them. I don’t hate anyone anymore as I recognise that people who hurt me in the past, came to teach me things. The girls who squared up to me aggressively at school and made me dread going, I only hope their daughters never go through what they put me through. They made me angry but now, I thank them because I'm softer down to their actions. Even my 6th form friends, I still love them dearly and always will, but we chose separate paths, that doesn’t mean that if we meet up once every other year we won’t get on, because we do. That’s the kind of friendship I want, one where you can go about your separate lives but know that person is always there for you, you can pick up where you left off. Even if things don't work out, you've always got lovely memories to look back on, memories that hopefully shaped you and your future in a way.

It hurts - It’s normal for it to hurt. Why does that person not want to be friends with me? How can someone just drop me like that? I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am really over sensitive. I often WhatsApp people and they read it and don't reply. In my crazy mind I'm like, come on, why are you being like that, what have I done? I have gone out of my way to check up on you and you cant even reply? But rational me knows that they are probably just really busy. It has made me try to be better with my own phone though and get better at messaging people back as I never want them to feel that way. I had an awful situation with a male friend a few weeks ago, I was randomly verbally attacked via Instagram message (a weird way to communicate, I know). This is someone who I’ve flown across the world to see and someone I didn’t expect it from, we grew up together during the best year of our lives. But you know what hurts the most? Knowing I spent so much time and energy looking out for this person. I guess these things happen and we've just gotta move on. You don't know what that person is going through sometimes either. Sometimes it's just not meant to be and that's okay.

Checking in - As humans we can be pretty lazy when it comes to checking in on each other. I genuinely used to be that person, meh I’ll wait for them to text me or oh if they haven't texted me then they clearly don't care. Why don't you just bite the bullet and text first? Why do we still play games? I gave up game playing when I gave up school. But nowadays, if I miss someone, or if I think someones done well or just if I want to check in, I’ll drop them a message. I’ll comment on their photo. What I’m getting at here is it doesn’t take long to just check in on someone, it could seriously make their day. You don’t know what someone's going through. I’ve had comments before like ‘well your life looked fine on social media that's why I didn't ask if you were okay’ and that’s where my is social media dangerous blog post comes in, I guess thats mainly my fault, for portraying an insta worthy life but luckily, now my vlogs show another side. Obviously my life isn’t perfect and real friends recognise that or at least check in. It honestly doesnt take long to just send a text, so try it, if you miss someone, or are proud of them, let them know. Something as little as liking someone's photo can show them that you care, as small as it sounds.

Losing a group - I often feel really sad when I think about my university experience. I had a really big group of friends, most of them were male. I always felt as if my university halls and the fact I was so busy with a boyfriend and my blog meant I missed out on meeting my clichey group of girls. I never really had that at uni but I did have a lovely group of male friends. Typically, they were all also friends with my ex, when we broke up, sadly, they pretty much broke up with me too and that really hurt. That’s something that hurts me quite often as again, I feel like I wasted a lot of time and energy to just be drooped. Did they really even care? How I deal with it: Sometimes people come into our lives and they don’t intend on staying forever. My brother told me he barely speaks to any of his Uni friends even thought the time they were inseparable. I guess we’ve just gotta be thankful for the fun we did have and recognise that everyone moves on and lives different lives, they were just a chapter of mine (a really fun one) but I’ll always love them and I do know that deep down if I saw them it wouldn’t be any different. People come into our lives, they teach us things and then sometimes, they leave.

People change - I probably wasn’t the nicest person in high school myself sometimes and even though it's not an excuse, I was going through a really destructive time at home, not recognising that it was affecting me so badly. I've changed so much and the last few years have put my life into perspective, I try to give everyone a chance, often going out of my way to look out for people who wouldn't do anything for me and sometimes, that really hurts. It's difficult when you give so much and then don't get anything back. I don't give to get anything back but a text back would be nice for example. I think what matters here is that you remain true to yourself, continue being nice, wearing your heart on your sleeve and if that person doesn't want to be like that, don't let them change how you treat other people. I try to compliment someone every single day, you don't know how much it could make their day. Niceness wins, it's not hard to just be nice, sprinkle kindness everywhere. 

So there we have it, a little ramble I guess. I don't even know if it's relevant but I hope it helps at least one person, remember, people can be busy, people change, we choose different paths and often, there's a reason people didn't make it into your future. See your life as a book, some people were just one chapter, you've got a whole book to fill. Friendship can happen when you least expect it, embrace it, I have a guard up sometimes because I've been so hurt, but don't change who you are because a few crappy people hurt you. People change. People move on. People live different lives, focus on you, focus on people who treat you how you deserve to be treated. Don't stop treating people well. 

Thank you for reading, sorry for rambling! 

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Lots of love, Em x

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