Beauty, Fashion, Travel, Fitness, Wellness and Lifestyle Blog | Emtalks

Sunday, 3 June 2018

Confidence Wobbles, Judgement, Happiness + Comparison

topshop floral denim

Today I wanted to talk about confidence. It's something I talk about quite a lot over here on my lil space on the internet, the place I call home but it's a recurring theme because it's such an important one. I usually talk about confidence from a physical sense, a blow dry and a spray tan instantly makes me feel like a queen but today, it's a different kinda confidence. As social media gets more and more prominent (let's be honest, it's a huge part of all of our lives), the question used to be: 'are magazines damaging to young people' and has changed to 'is social media damaging to young people?' We all have those moments where we don't feel our most confident and I genuinely feel as if we are our own worst critics. It's something I talk about on Instagram quite a lot. Today I want to talk through my confidence struggles, not just in how you look or body confidence but how you feel too. Yes, I can have a blow dry and it boosts my confidence by 110% but what about walking into events alone? Feeling nervous and petrified. What about social media stalking the new girl your ex is with and feeling like you want the ground to swallow you up? These are all conversations I've had with friends recently and this needs discussing. 
topshop floral denim
I was talking to someone about my confidence the other day, she asked me how I'm so confident but in all honesty, I'm not. I know how we all look on Instagram, mega confidence stood in a bikini or mega confident as we sip our matcha latte with activated charcoal... I walk into events by myself and honestly? I'm petrified. I feel as if I need someone stood by my side and then I'd be fine. I walked into an event the other day and almost ran outta the door quicker than Usain Bolt because I felt so alone. Luckily, I stood there, held my own and got my shit together, somehow... after texting every friend in my phonebook and explaining how alone I was at this event and how stupid I felt but truthfully? No-one even cared, it was within my own mind. 

When I was at school, I really struggled with confidence. I'll never forget the period where I was too scared to eat in front of anyone when I had my braces and I'd go eat my food in a toilet cubicle (hygienic, huh?) or the period where I was so petrified of walking in front of a group of people across the corridor as they'd all sit and stare and judge anytime anyone walked past. It felt like I was being fed to the lions. Then there was me re-applying and caking on my make up every single lunchtime throughout high school. Why? My boyfriend cheated on me, over and over and destroyed any confidence I did have so I would hide myself in my stupid long extensions (he only liked me with long hair.. eye roll) and cakey make up. I haven't tied my hair up properly in years (it's a new thing for me) because an ex once told me how ugly I was with my hair up. Now? I'm learning to love it. It seems so crazy looking back now but as Steve Jobs said in an interview 'you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards'. To someone else on the outside, I was vain or a wannabe Barbie doll in school but to me, I was an insecure, young girl who'd been repeatedly hurt and these small comments from people who were meant to love me? Sadly, have stuck with me. It's only now, I recognise where so many of my insecurities and lack of confidence come from and sadly, many are from that one boyfriend and high school culture.

It's taken me years to feel confident and I still have wobbles, we all do. You wouldn't be human without a few nereves/unconfident days. I talked quite openly about this on an Instagram caption recently as there seems to be a bit of an obsession with my legs/even other girls I follow and their bodies too on YouTube (you know the drill, a few people creating new accounts to keep leaving the same comment) but I am SO happy with my body. My body keeps me alive. It wakes me up on the morning. My body carries me through every aspect of life. My body is strong. I work SO incredibly hard for my body and no matter how many anonymous people say they don't like my legs, they're not going to change my opinion because I'm confident within my own body. After seeing my brother fall ill and losing a friend to cancer, well, it's taught me never to be negative about my body. My body exists for more than just vanity purposes but quite literally keeps me alive. I am so fortunate to have a touch wood, healthy, happy body. You have to love yourself. I know that these people aren't happy within themselves and it says SO much more about them than it ever will about me, but I do also feel sorry for the people who take it to heart because it's natural to be hurt when people are picking at every single inch of you. You must remember that these people are angry/unhappy within themselves to act this way. 

floral denim skirtDon't apologise for you. I often find myself apologising, oh sorry my hair is frizzy, sorry my nails are chipped, sorry about that spot the size of a mountain on my chin. We are all human, no-one is perfect. I'm pretty sure Sharon who stared at you when you took a photo isn't perfect, neither is Liz who made a comment on your legs or the girls who laugh about you at school. Nobody is perfect and do not apologise for being you. Usually, if someone is picking on you it's to deflect from their own issues. I tried to be 'perfect' at school, with my hair done, my nails and my face and I was deeply unconfident within. I'm happier now with no make up on, my hair on my head and spending time with my family. I truly realise what matters in life and it isn't what a stranger thinks about me or someone who was horrible to me in high school. 

Comparison truly is the thief of joy. In my blog post titled 'is social media dangerous' I discussed this. I really do think comparison is the worst thing you can do and I guess that's why I try to be honest and real on many blog posts and vlogs. I really want you guys to know that life isn't perfect. You might see someone on a flight to LA, or looking HOT on Instagram but you don't know what they've been through in the past or what they're going through in their family life (or how many takes and filters it took to get that photo). As most of you know, the last few years have been hell for my family as my brother has been fighting a horrendous, chronic illness. I've watched the person I love go through the lowest point in his life. Just as we thought we were coming to a light at the end of the tunnel with quite a difficult childhood, this was thrown at us. Life throws challenges at us and now, when I see that girl on Instagram and wish I was more like her? I remember that she is facing battles too. When I see someone struggling to walk up the stairs or sitting on a disabled seat on the tube? I think of my brother. I think of the battles we are facing as a family. Be kind to yourself. Don't judge someone on the chapter of their life you knew them and don't judge someone based on what you see on their social media. Read: Judging our self worth because of social media. 

Confidence comes in time. As I said, building my confidence has taken time. I used to feel so upset reading negativity from strangers, I used to be too scared to walk across a coridoor and I'm still pretty nervous when it comes to walking into events by myself. On the flip side? I've done public speaking infront of hundreds and hundreds of strangers and get the biggest buzz from it. I'll eat infront of strangers. I do photoshoots in public even though I know I don't look like a model and I'm over it now. I don't care what someone walking past me thinks, I'm never going to see them again. I don't care what a stranger thinks about my body because I am comfortable and confident in it. Yep, some days, we have our wobbles but on strong days, I remember just how far I've come and I remind myself that anything is possible. Seeing how much depression, anxiety and chronic hidden illnesses can affect people has changed my perspective on life, seeing young people die, it's changed my perspective on life. It's human nature to judge but it's definitely made me more compassionate and understanding, you truly have no idea what battles someone is facing but that's a whole new blog post for another day. So for now, remember: you got this. I promise. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you're not worthy of holding your head high and feeling confident and you, reading this now, don't ever listen to that little negative nelly on your shoulder criticising your beautiful self. We get enough negativity from the rest of the world, so the least you can do is believe in yourself and be kind to yourself. 

I hope this helps some of you guys. Do leave any comments with any confidence tips or confidence stories.

You might also like:

Is social media dangerous?

Lots of love, Em x

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