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Monday, 3 September 2018

Lessons I've Learned From Past Relationships

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Jumpsuit online here / and here / Gucci Marmont bag online here /

Hello hello, so today, a personal post. I received so many emails after writing my how getting cheated on affected me blog post so I guess I wanted to write something else about relationships. I’m still young, but I’ve kissed a fair few 'frogs' and have had my heart broken/damaged a fair few times, read my blog post about how to deal with heartbreak if you missed that. I was sat in the car recently thinking about things past boyfriends have said to me that have stuck with me or damaged me in some way or, even made me a better person. I thought it would be nice to write down what these relationships have taught me, in the hopes that it helps someone else. Remember, things do get better and looking back, I see now that all of these things have shaped me as a person. Warning: this is quite in depth and I don’t want to upset anyone but by sharing my experiences so hope it may help you.
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Don’t feel as if you need to change the way you look for anyone - First and foremost, you are beautiful just the way you are, please don’t change for anyone. Here are a few examples of where I’ve done this (embarrassingly so, but I’m sure many of us have been there). My first boyfriend hated me without extensions and would openly tell me how 'ugly and bald' I was without them. I felt as if had to sleep in my hair extensions (really not good for my hair) otherwise I’d be continually called bald and ugly. Why stand for it Em? I know, it’s sometimes only once you get away from a person that you realise how toxic they were. It took me years and years to get away from using hair extensions, I was addicted, I felt ugly and naked without them and they really were my comfort blanket and I put some of that down to this ex. I now have long, strong, healthy natural hair and I’m proud of it. It’s taken me years to get her (read my hair story about how to fix damaged hair if you missed it) but I don’t want to be with someone who only likes me with extensions. Looking back, it’s ridiculous and it’s actually controlling behaviour. I then had a boyfriend (going way back) who would tell me I had to have my hair tied up, every single day. Again, don’t ask me why I listened but, I did. I fell for the controlling streak and spent most of that year with my hair up on my head. Let’s be honest, he just didn’t want me to look nice or be able to make an effort. Another situation like this? An ex who would always tell me not to wear makeup. If I did wear makeup or make an effort, I’d be told I looked ‘stupid’ or like ‘an idiot’ and I spent a fair few years with this person barely wearing any makeup, even though I loved makeup so much. I’ve never been someone to wear make up for anyone else, I wear it for myself but because I felt controlled, I listened and stopped wearing it. He didn’t like me without makeup, he just didn’t want me to get any attention from anyone else sadly. The minute we broke up, I found myself again, found my love for makeup and finally started making an effort, not for anyone else but just for myself. I felt so much happier and more confident.

Wear what makes you comfortable - Similar to the above, wear what makes you comfortable. I mainly wear gym kit and pyjamas and I want a guy who loves me in that AND in my bodycon dress. For me, it was usually that my ex didn’t want me wearing anything tight, or anything ‘busty’ because I’d then be branded all the names you can imagine. It makes me so sad looking back that I stood for this. I guess that’s why I’m talking about it, I don’t want anyone else to think it’s okay for someone to dictate how you look, dress or even do your hair, it’s nothing to do with them and if they are trying to control you, you shouldn’t be with that person.

You are worthy - You really are worthy. We all have arguments and I had some really bad ones with ex-boyfriends. Now? I rarely ever argue with my boyfriend, in fact, I don’t think we’ve ever had a serious argument in 3 years. You are worthy of a good partner, who loves you for you and doesn’t want to change you. There is someone out there who will appreciate you, flaws and all. It is your ‘flaws’ that make you, you. If they can’t handle you at your worst, they don’t deserve you at your best. Looking back, I was going through so much horrendous family stuff and was SO damaged by my first boyfriend's actions I was probably a bit of an insecure nightmare somedays. It’s okay to be insecure, I just think I should have been more honest and spoke about what I was going through rather than letting it manifest in my own insecurities. But equally, don’t blame yourself for other peoples behaviour, being with boys who brought me down and fed my insecurities, only made me even worse.

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Honesty is key in a relationship - Linking to the above, I rarely told boyfriends what I was really going through at home, in fact, I don’t think any of them know or do to this day. It’s too raw and personal. I also should have turned around and explained to boyfriends that I’m insecure after my first boyfriend cheated on me, over and over with my friends. I guess I was too scared it would happen again. It just means some days I need a bit of reassurance and there’s nothing wrong with that. In the right relationship, you will feel reassured without even having to say anything and shouldn't ever have a reason not to trust that person. It took me a long time to learn to trust people. I think if you have been hurt before and feel this way too, let your new partner know that you can be a bit wobbly from time to time but a good partner will reassure you without you even needing to ask and you should feel so comfortable that you don't feel insecure anyway.

You are not a ‘psycho’ -
Let’s get this straight: you are not a 'psycho'. I had crazy tendencies sometimes because I just felt so hurt and so insecure after being cheated on, walked over and my trust abused, over and over. When I thought it couldn’t get any worse and the ex had hurt me, the response would always be ‘you are a psycho’. That’s what people do, they make you out to be the bad one when they know it is them in the wrong. People will turn things on you if they know they've done wrong. Sometimes there are relationships that are toxic, and bring out this in you. So many times I thought I was going insane and out of my mind but your gut is usually correct. Don't let anyone trick you into thinking it's you with the problem if said person is constantly upsetting you with their behaviour.

Once you realise how you should be treated you’ll never look back - When you get out of a toxic relationship, you’ll realise just how you should be treated. It’s crazy, you think someone is your everything and you can’t live without them, but then once you start to heal and move on, you’ll be like woah, I was treated SO badly. With one ex in particular, so many people told me how badly I was treated and I didn’t believe them, I lost friends, family and turned so many people against me because of him. But the crazy thing? I needed to be the one to walk away, on my own accord, then I realised. Once you realise, you’ll never look back and certainly wont let anyone treat you that way again. 

Jumpsuit online here / and here / Gucci Marmont bag online here /

Never go back to a cheat -
Easier said than done, I know. The worst thing I ever did was forgive someone for cheating on me and now I have a zero tolerance. I speak to so many people about this and I just couldn’t go back now. I respect everyone's decisions but it made me so insecure and untrusting for years. They say once is a mistake and twice is a choice, I don't even allow 'once' as a mistake now haha. I went back once and he kept doing it, again and again, and every single time it killed my confidence, I thought it was me with the problem and it wasn’t me at all. I spent the whole rest of the relationship on tenterhooks, wondering where he was, what he was doing, had he cheated? Which of my friends had he got with this time? I know this is deep and personal but I am hoping this may help others. You will drive yourself crazy staying with someone like that. My suspicions were always correct. Whether this happens to you when you’re 14 or 20, it hurts. It really hurts and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Life is too short to spend your life feeling so anxious, on edge and then feeling the pain again when it happens. I guess that’s why I’m so scared of being cheated on because I know how much it hurts but I now know that no matter how much I love them, I am better off without them, for my own sanity if they have cheated. To me, there's no going back after that.

You can heal - Relating to the above, I get quite a lot of emails asking me how to get over heartbreak. Trust me, I’ve been there. I’ve been so broken and hurt I never thought I would heal but I did. The hardest day is the morning after and then once you get through that, I promise it gets easier. Read my blog post about how to deal with heartbreak. If only we could look forward, you'll see there is someone out there for you but ultimately, you can be happy by yourself, you don't need someone to make you whole! I'd rather be alone than be with someone who hurts me, destroys my confidence or upsets me. You know what they say, be with someone who smudges your lipstick, not your mascara.

So there we have it, a little look at some things I’ve learnt from bad relationships, I really hope this helps you. Do you have any tips or tricks with dealing with heartbreak? Have you had any bad relationships? You really do have to kiss a frog to find a prince sadly sometimes and realise how you deserve to be treated, this applies for both genders, by the way, my situation is obviously just about my relationships. 

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Lots of love, Em x

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